Parenting

Do you remember building a sandcastle on the beach as a child? The wet sand was perfect for building your creation! If you were like me, as you were working, perhaps you found yourself racing against time as the tide began coming closer and closer. No amount of yelling, lecturing, or commanding kept the tide at bay. In the end, the water reclaimed it’s ownership of that part of the beach.

I find this analogy a lot like parenting children who, amazingly (and sometimes frustratingly), are born with a mind and a will of their own. More often that not, we have their best interests in mind when we say “no”, or “wait”. Typically, we have a better idea of what the “future” will hold for them with a decision that they are about to make (or at least we hope we do)!

In the end however, there is so much that we can’t control. Just like we can’t control the ocean’s tides, we can’t control what our children do or think. For example, we really can’t control things like how much they are willing to eat, when they fall asleep, if they will choose to obey, if they will be kind to their friends, if they will treat us with respect, if they will sit and learn, etc.

However, going back to our ocean analogy, other than huge storms, the tides still have boundaries. They only come in and out within the parameters “set”. This principle helps us to see how “Enforceable Statements” can help us stay out of power struggles with our kids – especially those that we are likely unable to truly enforce.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

“I give dessert to kids who eat all their dinner.”
“It is bedroom time, you may read or play quietly as long as it doesn’t cause a problem for me or your sisters.”
“You can drive the family car as long as you have a 3.0 GPA.”
“I will drive the car when it is quiet and your seatbelt is on.”
“You are welcome to watch TV as long as I don’t hear arguing.”
“You can play your video games for 30 minutes when I have checked your homework.”
“You are welcome to watch TV when you are ready for bed – as long as it is before 8:00PM”
“Feel free to pick out your own shirt as long as it meets the school dress code.”
“I am happy to do the laundry that is in the hamper by Friday night.”
“I do the things I do for you when I feel treated with respect and the chores are done.”
“You are welcome to play outside as long as your homework is finished by 4:00PM.”
“Feel free to eat as much dinner as you need to last you until breakfast.”

Notice that in each of these examples, there is a parameter that is set (a boundary about dessert, dinner, driving, TV, laundry, etc.) There is also freedom and choice around that parameter. Much like the waves of the ocean that are impossible to control, the emotions and will of our child is also difficult to control. When we control the parameters that we can (like the boundaries of the ocean), and allow our child to learn from the consequences of their choices (how far in or out the tide is going), we stay out of power struggles, remain calm, and keep our relationship strong.

Robin Blumenthal, M.A., is a Certified ACEs Trainer, Speaker, and Author of, Where in the Zoo Are You, she is also an Independent Facilitator of the Love and Logic® Curriculum since 2006

Website: https://www.robinblumenthal.org

Oftentimes in parenting, when we get stuck, we feel like we need to learn something NEW. In reality, it is more common that we need to go back to basics. Knowing and understanding children’s basic needs is the foundation that we always need to start with when it comes to building relationships with and raising children as parents. We will not always be able to perfectly meet these needs but we can continue to develop our understanding of their needs as our children continue to grow and change developmentally. Often, when a child is displaying difficult behaviors there is an underlying need driving the behavior.

Children’s basic needs include love, safety and acceptance and should be at the heart of family life. However, it may look different from child to child in how they personally express these needs or how their needs are met. As caregivers, we can continue to get curious and learn about how love, safety and acceptance needs are unique to each child that is in our care.

As we navigate how to help our children through difficulties, it is helpful to keep in mind the child’s developmental stage and capabilities so that we do not expect more than they are capable of developmentally, and therefore as caregivers can provide acceptance for their current mental, emotional, and physical stage and abilities. This firm foundation of understanding and acceptance opens opportunities for caregivers to meet their child where they are at AND provide their children with appropriate challenges for continued growth.

Children need to know that our love does not depend on his or her accomplishments and that love is unconditional (ie. my love for you does not change or diminish when I’m mad or disappointed). In family life, mistakes or defeats should be expected and accepted as learning and growing opportunities. This can be done by simply taking time out when everyone is calm again to reflect on thoughts, feelings and actions and how we can learn and grow from that difficult experience. This growth mindset develops resilience and is good for both parents and children to learn and implement! Afterall, whoever said we need to be perfect? Confidence grows in a home that is full of unconditional love and acceptance.

Oppositely, fear and anxiety grow out of experiences that we do not understand. Children are always developing a new understanding of their world as they grow developmentally, so their need for safety continues to change as they become more and more exposed to a BIG world. Children also need to feel safe in their own environment, when it comes to the structure of the space and the interactions of the people in that space. We must model and teach our children healthy boundaries when it comes to how to be safe with themselves, others and in their environment. We can help provide a sense of security and safety for our children by how we help them make sense of the world and the environment we build in our homes.

We can help our children feel safe and reduce their stress by creating structure and predictability in their life. Children thrive on structure because they don’t have to constantly wonder and worry about what comes next. They can fully focus on the present moment, which creates space and opportunities for developmental growth. This can be done by creating routines and developing a schedule for the rhythm of family life. Routines and a schedule can also be helpful to reduce difficult behaviors, because the child and parent will get into less power struggles about what comes next because it is already established that, “this is just what we do.” One important way we can meet our child’s basic needs is to create structure and predictability in their lives.

Lastly, it is important to communicate safety, love and acceptance through both words AND actions. Addressing our children’s basic needs can often be a helpful solution to managing difficult behaviors as a caregiver. We must focus on the whole child, not just the behavior. We need to dive into the process of understanding their unique needs and feelings rather than skipping to how to fix it.  Next time your child is struggling with difficult behaviors, pause and ask yourself, what is the need driving this behavior and how can I help my child know that I understand their need and that I am here to help?

-Susie Munsey, LCSW

Resilience Therapy